Valentines day is coming up (Tuesday) and some of you are already strategizing the best ways to confess to your crush. If you’re single, you can try to emulate some of the methods shown here. And even if you’re not, or if you’re a strong independent woman (or man), you can still read this article for the laughs.
So, let’s begin with approach number one:
1. The Bully approach
Susan (not her real name) was just hanging out at the library like all of us INTI students do…. for the free aircond. Until suddenly Guy A appears and just starts hurling insults and making fun of her and her friends. This continues until Susan gets pissed off and threatens to break the guy’s face, then suddenly his expression changed…
He then proceeds to apologise: “FML, I’m sorry. I just thought you were cool and seeing how you and your friends bash and insult each other all the time looked fun, so I thought I’d get your attention by doing that.”
“I thought that calling you names and pulling your hair would get you to like me…” You’re probably thinking: WHAT? He can’t be serious. But he was. Also, he ends by saying, “And I want you to be my Valentine because of that and you’re tall.” Un-bully-vable.*
*Pun – Unbelievable (It’s punbelievable isn’t it)
Needless to say, it didn’t work… So if you’re thinking of trying this approach, forget it!
Moving on to… approach two!
2. The “Hey, I just met you”
OK… So I’ve actually gotten more than one response similar to this one. Apparently Malaysian guys love to meet girls over Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook… basically social media and then just—suddenly—fall in love.
When you’re popular on a social platform like Instagram, you can get a lot of attention from random people on the internet. Ruth has an account with over 3k followers, which is not much by Kylie Jenner’s standards (85.6 m followers), but is sizeable compared to most of us. She gets weird DMs from time to time of guys confessing their “feelings” (ehh rileks la bro… Your feelings come from where? Australia* isit?)
*Another pun. Props if you get this one.
As the quote goes, “Love is patient, love is kind.” Love at first sight is probably not a real thing because Love is also blind. In fact, never let Love drive a car unsupervised. The point is not to jump to conclusions! Finding a girl attractive is not the same as falling in love.
Which takes us to our next story…
On Facebook, Lily here added a guy from her school who found her attractive… and then out of nowhere she receives a video of him singing and playing a country love song on guitar, before he confesses his love to her in the video. Wait…. there’s a meme for that:
If you want your attempt to be successful, at least get to know this person in real life first. Talk to them, build some trust and rapport by gently revealing your true self in front of them. Yes, a little authenticity can go a long way. Confessing to a girl you’ve never met, and doing it through the internet does the opposite of that!
There’s no way of knowing you are what you say you are online, and have you ever heard of catfishing? You don’t know if your crush is really a girl either…
And here’s an almost unrelated example of a confession gone wrong (this one was through Instagram). I call this one:
3. The Direct Approach
So the direct approach is basically this: You tell a girl straight up that you like her, and ask to go out. Simple enough right? Yeah. But make sure your crush isn’t as savage as Katie here who totally shuts him down.
Moral of the story? Don’t be too direct either. Girls like a little mystery.
4. The Indirect Approach
Now this one is actually the opposite of the previous method, and it’s actually quite ingenious:
Guy A who has a crush on Girl B, tells her NOT to check her brother’s messages. Being naturally curious (and a little rebellious), Girl B does it anyway. She sees messages sent by Guy A to her brother, which basically says “I have a crush on your sister” etc.
“WHO DOES THAT????”
– Girl B
Props to Guy A for trying, but he didn’t get the girl in the end. However, they still remained friends, so I guess this is one way to confess without risking as much of a fallout compared to other approaches. So fellas, if you like a girl, there’s always the option of confessing to their siblings.
There is actually some form of reverse psychology involved here which is makes me think… is this similar to the bully approach? You make a girl hate you…to like you?!?!
Furthermore, if you know your crush is religious and looking for a partner who shares his or her values here’s a way to indirectly approach them.
Well unfortunately in this example the girl already had a boyfriend, but nice try guy! Just make sure she doesn’t have a bf next time. From this point onwards you can choose to move on or lie in wait for her to be single again… (not recommended)
Disclaimer: The author does not encourage messing with other people’s established relationships. The phrase “Just because there’s a goalkeeper doesn’t mean you can’t score” is funny and catchy but does not reflect the values of this author.
If that’s your game however, by all means game on. Here’s my own variation: Just because you have constipation, doesn’t mean you can’t poop. Oh wait, it does.
Other variation of confessions include confessing through WhatsApp and (unsurprisingly) WeChat. WeChat has a feature that lets you talk to other WeChat users in the area around you, but this has been widely linked with…unsavoury characters.
I wouldn’t recommend looking for dates on Tinder either, because it’s like Forrest’s Momma always said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.” Pictures can (and always have been) misleading, and this author would recommend you take your dating game away from the app store and into the coffee shop.
Strike up some conversations with strangers, but keep it civil and friendly. Learn to improve some of your charisma skills by watching youtube videos or get someone more outgoing than you to coach you! In this author’s opinion, the best romantic relationships start from friendships.